


Hey Motherfucker I’m Trying To Kill You And You’re Just Making Me Soft

by orphan_account



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Deceit just wants to murder Patton for a few hours, Deceits got six arms, Hurt/Comfort, Implications of Depression, M/M, Minor Injuries, Self-Esteem Issues, Touch Starved Deceit, patton is a bear, tall deceit, tall patton
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-29
Updated: 2019-08-09
Packaged: 2020-07-25 11:41:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20025229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Deceit’s a python, yeah? With six arms and super strength, it’s easy to kill people off. Even if in the mindscape ‘killing’ is only something that mildly annoys the others for a few good hours. So, naturally, he wants to murder Patton. It yeilds… surprising results.





	1. Rivalry Is Fun, Isn't It?

**Author's Note:**

> Based off of this post on tumblr: https://saviourofawakingworld.tumblr.com/post/186625373885/saviourofawakingworld-ronnirotten
> 
> And once again, please be sure to follow my tumblr @/saviour-of-a-waking-world if you would like too!
> 
> Also I haven't decided if I will yet, but I might give this more chapters. Be sure to drop a comment if you'd be interested to see that, please!

Fuck Patton! God, he was such a pretentious goody-too-shoes dumbass with that fucking happy smile always on him and him being as tall as him and disagreeing with him and you know what? He was going to kill him today. He’d had it! There were punishments from Logan for this, but he didn’t care, Patton was his rival and he wanted to piss him off, get a real physical rise from him! He wanted to see him seething mad again! 

So, obviously, he made a plan. Even more obviously, that plan involved lying. Oh, he had such a perfect fucking plan. Best god damn plan to have ever been planned! He was meticulous- 

He’d tell Patton, that oblivious bastard bear, that he wanted make-up cuddles for their petty rivalry! He’d accept, even if he REFUSED to call it a rivalry, and that’s when he’d do it! He’d crush him! To death! The best part about this was, he’d be able to be rid of him for five or up to seven hours. He was at his limit! 

—

He walked into the Moral sides room a few minutes later, after realizing he really didn’t have to be that meticulous with planning. There weren’t that many steps. He smiled at him, which made Patton, unsurprisingly, have the reaction he was about to have. 

“Huh? The heck do you want? Did you come in here to pester me again because I’ll throw you out, Dee-”

“No, no, no!” he interrupted, Throwing his hat onto Patton’s dresser and walking over, sitting on the edge of the bed on his knees with a wide, too wide, devious smile. 

“Just wanted to say that I’m… sorry! I’m so sorry about all this fighting and stuff in between us, can we please cuddle and make up for it? I’ve heard yours is legendary from the others! Pretty please?”

Patton frowned, obviously trying not to smile. He rose a suspicious eyebrow at the snake.   
“Uhh… everyone except for Roman complains that I suffocate them most of the time. But hey! If you really want too… I guess that’d be okay with me!” he said sweetly, failing at hiding his smile for any longer. He doubted this would last long, they’d eventually go back to their bickering. But he liked to consider them friends in the way Roman and Logan were friends but disagreed with each other and fought too. 

Deceit flashed a smile, crawling over and wrapping all six arms around Patton, almost about to cackle dramatically in victory, before in a turn of events he was having big arms wrap around his torso and have him lean with Patton against the bedframe. He was squeezing as hard as he could! And so was Patton?

Why the fuck wasn’t this dude dying? Oh God he’d almost feel bad if he had to go out and choke him to death. He kept on squeezing as hard as he could, all six arms at full strength, but he doubted he could’ve even gotten out of Patton’s embrace! He doubted Patton could get out of his either, but he was going for something a little more than that, wasn’t he? 

Patton giggled, bringing Deceit onto his lap so that they could be in a more comfortable position before closing his eyes with a content sigh, feeling absolutely elated that Deceit wasn’t even complaining! He was hugging him tightly too, this was so nice! 

Deceit’s face went red hot when that happened, impulsively burying his face into Patton’s shoulder to hide it. God, he smelled like vanilla and freshly baked cookies, didn’t he? Wait, he couldn’t use his nose to smell, he was a snake! Oh, his tongue was out in a blep. Dammit. Patton did smell good though… intoxicatingly so. 

He had no idea how long they’d been like this. In reality, about fifteen minutes, but he thought it’d been hours. It felt a lot nicer than he’d like to admit, even if he was confused. Slowly… the confusion wore off though. His chest was heavy, realizing that he was hugging Patton, cuddling with him, and he didn’t have to be careful. He didn’t crush him like he did anyone else. And even if he wanted that to happen this time, God he felt such a wave of relief when he actually realized this. 

It felt so nice, he’d been missing out on so much. He wanted Patton to smoother him with his body almost, just to feel the pressure of someone else on him. He just couldn’t stop thinking about how warm he was, how soft, yet firm he felt… 

Patton pulled back just a minute. He stared down at Deceit when he felt him shaking a little. Why did his shoulder feel… wet?


	2. Regret And Forgiveness Are The Two Key Ingredients In A New Friendship, Sometimes. In This Case It Is... Or Is It?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patton's shocked at Deceit's crying. Didn't he want this?  
Deceit's feeling very overwhelmed and he's got... a lot of mixed feelings about this to say the least. Maybe he'd be able to figure it out if he could stop crying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still in Dee's point of view everyone! Prepare for some hurt/comfort in this, and worrying.

"Dee, are you... Deceit are you okay?" Patton asked, right before he smelled a bit of smoke, and Deceit practically flew off of him, wide-eyed with smoke also coming from his eyes and cheeks. 

Patton quickly looked down at his shirt, seeing that it looked like acid had been poured on it. He quickly snapped it off of his body before he hurt himself. How on earth did that even happen? What he didn't know, was that Deceit had a few more snake-like attributes to him than what was obvious. One of them being his tears. It was gross, dangerous, and definitely something he was ashamed of. It burned the human side of his cheek, scarring it too. Luckily he hid it with make-up, which at the moment, was running off. 

He choked out frantic apologies through sobs, trying to wipe away his tears with his gloves, which he'd made to be resistant to the acid-like substance. It was hard though, he could hardly articulate his hands when he was shaking so hard, even after he put four of his arms away. Patton watched him, quickly getting an idea of what this weird thing might be and shaking his head, walking forward and summoning cold, wet rags. He silently but kindly beckoned him to come over here, always quick to comfort a side and help them out, no matter the odd circumstance. 

He very, very gently wiped away the tears, making a new rag from a stronger material when he realized the first one wouldn't work. But after that, Patton slowly started to work on it. Wiping away not only the tears, but blood as well. He tried to hide his shock when he saw concealer being washed away to reveal scar tissue, likely from times Deceit had cried in the past. Oddly though, the scaled side of his face was perfectly fine. Nonetheless, he wiped his whole face gently and summoned bandages to cover up where the skin had been seared into. 

Deceit flinched every so often during this, still involuntarily sucking in sobbing breaths through it all. But he also felt calm when Patton worked. He felt like he should be scared, angry with himself, terrified that Patton saw this. And yet something about how he was working and the look in his eye just resonated that he didn't mean harm, that he was there to help. And he was helping. Deceit felt better. But he felt so embarrassed... he hated Patton, didn't he? For reasons like the thing he was doing now? Helping him out without questioning him, making sure it wasn't a ruse, not being skeptical, it's something that seemed like a way only a bubbly-headed nuance would behave. But Patton was helping him now... and he couldn't say he didn't appreciate how he was handling the situation. 

Eventually after the couple silent, tender moments of that, Patton pulled away a little bit. It was pretty late, and he was a bit too tired to summon his shirt, so he just grabbed his discarded cardigan and put it on, looking worriedly at Deceit. 

"Hey, do you... want to talk about what happened? We don't have to talk about anything if you don't want to, I'd just like to know if I did anything that made you cry. If I did, I'm very, very, very sorry, Dee, did I squeeze to hard or hurt you?"

Deceit sat down, rubbing his sore eyes and sniffling, rubbing the bandages on his human skin softly. Patton was worried he'd hurt him? How ironic. But he felt a pressure come off his own chest when Patton didn't ask about his tears. He was just... worried about him he supposed. When he answered, he answered quietly and softly, as if he was afraid to raise his voice above a whisper.

"No, no you didn't hurt me. I just felt... overwhelmed is all. Not in a g-" he hesitated after that, the lie caught in his throat. He threw it out. 

"Not in a bad way. I'd just... I... I usually can't hug people. Patton I... I was trying to kill you. I was trying to crush you to death but nothing happened and we were hugging and I-I just don't know what happened but y-you smelled good and felt nice and it felt so, so nice and I couldn't... I couldn't handle that..." he admit, looking up after it but not at Patton. He was just looking off in the distance. 

Patton listened closely, starting to understand a little. His mind jumped back to something Roman said a while ago, about Deceit being super strong like Patton and him. So... he got what was so overwhelming for Deceit. He probably couldn't hug most people without the constant fear of killing them. As for the fact that he was trying to kill him... Patton didn't mind as much as he thought he should. To be honest, it was something he'd seen coming. Gently, he grabbed his hand, smiling. 

"We don't have to stop if you want. And it's okay that you were trying to kill me. You sure aren't the first after all!" he said, chuckling a bit at the words. When Deceit made a move to hug him again, Patton helped him by scooping him up in his arms. 

"Hey kiddo, you look pretty tired, and it's getting late. One more hug, and then I'm off to bed, okay? Unless you need to talk more? Because I'll stay up for that if you need me too. I don't mind." 

Deceit shook his head, hugging him tightly again and not letting go. The feeling was something he was worried he'd become addicted too. He took a deep breath, not wanting to leave, right before he quickly pulled himself out of Patton's arms, and ran out of the room without another word.


	3. I'm Not Supposed To Be Missing You...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deceit's gone missing. Patton's worried, still in awe of what happened the other night. The others push him not to worry, not to get involved to try and avoid what happens when Deceit and him dispute. But Patton worries more about him every second he doesn't see him. He wants to find him.   
Little does he know, he needs to find him too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter full of me venting through characters? More likely than you'd think.  
Also this is in Pat's point of view.

Patton hadn't seen Deceit in two days. It was killing him, filling him with worry. He'd never seen him cry before, he'd never seen him so... vulnerable, and sad. He remembered how his eyes were full of hurt. He remembered the scars and the secret that was shared by accident when he saw them. He remembered realizing in an instant why he was so stoic. He remembered... breaking that down. 

He sat down on the couch, watching Virgil and Logan sit on the couch over each other, arms wrapped around the other lovingly. Logan was sitting on Virgil lap, and Patton thought he might be sleeping from how calm he looked. Patton's heart tugged painfully watching them, putting his hands over it. His eyebrows were furrowed, his eyes sad and far gone, seeming to move every which way to try and see if Dee would come in. He had no idea why he was so panicked. Truth be told... he never even liked Deceit that much, even if he still loved him just as much as everyone else. It was like a feeling in his heart that wasn't connected to him or any common sense he may or may not have. And it hurt, feeling a pain that certainly didn't belong to him. 

He knew the others wouldn't believe him if he said anything about this. Even though... it was strikingly similar to how he felt before they'd realized Virgil had ducked out. Only slightly different. The pain was dull, like a knife that had been used too many times and needed sharpened. This was as if a glass shard was being stabbed into him. He didn't want to believe something was legitimately wrong. But he did anyway. And when he voiced his concerns about Deceit not being around too much in the past two days, all the others had to remind him he was hardly around at all before just recently. Something that seemed to have been a long time ago. Had he really adjusted to his presence that quickly? Or did he just miss him? Their fights and arguments, somehow competing in annoyance on Roman and Logan's. One's that never went anywhere, even though Patton knew deep down... Thomas would never truly be able to be happy as he wanted to be until he and Deceit worked together. 

"Patton?! PATTON!" 

His name was yelled, causing him to jump nearly out of his chair. He had been zoned out. He reached up to adjust his glasses, when his hands came back wet with sparkling tears. He sniffled, letting out a quiet "oh..." 

It was Logan who had yelled his name, still sitting on Virgil's lap. His face was very, very concerned. Patton had hardly moved, hardly blinked in fifteen minutes, tears silently falling down from his eyes. So Logan hadn't been asleep... he'd watched him. He'd been calling for him for almost a full minute. Patton sighed sadly. 

"Sorry about that kiddo, just... thinking about some things, I suppose. I must've been... holding my eyes open for too long?" 

Virgil sighed, shaking his head. 

"Patton... why are you so concerned about him? Why do you want him around so much?" 

Patton didn't have an answer. His mind flashed to Deceit running off when he asked a question. He realized he didn't need an answer either. 

Patton, without a word, walked away. In the doorway, he snapped his fingers, and entered Deceit's room.


	4. You're The Problem, You're The Solution

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patton and Deceit confront each other, things get emotional... people grow close. Working things out is easier said than done but the benefits of it are spectacular.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fluff and angst fluff and angst fluff and angst fluff a-

Deceit was scared out of his socks when Patton suddenly appeared, making him jump a good bit into the air. They were in his bedroom, Deceit holding a yellow two-headed python on his shoulders when Patton came in. Very gently, he set Nagini down on the floor and stood up. He stared at Patton in disbelief, quickly noticing the red in his eyes and how tense he was. 

Patton jumped a little bit when Deceit's pet came near him, but gently stepped over her. He looked up at the other, words caught in his throat at first, unsure of what he wanted to say. What did he want to say? Did he want to talk about what had happened? Was he going to pry into his life? No... he wanted to know why he felt the way he did. Physically. He wanted to make sure he was okay. He understood what the feeling finally meant without realizing, and when the words finally left his mouth, even he was surprised. 

"Deceit, don't duck out, please..." 

Deceit's eyes widened, shaking his head a little and taking a step back. The room suddenly grew much colder than it had before. 

"How did you-"

"Because! I felt the same way when Virgil... when he ducked out. And last time we didn't check on him until it was almost too late. This time I want to check on you. I don't know how I know but... I just feel it, okay? I know what you're thinking about. I'm the last one who anyone would think would say this, but don't." 

Deceit felt a lump in his throat, his voice softening. He'd thought his room was locked down. How was Patton able to override it? When he really thought of it, he supposed it didn't... not make sense for him to be an empath. He was a good majority of Thomas's empathy. He knew. He... knew. And he came here to do something about it. Deceit hadn't even made up his mind about it, only thinking about going away subconsciously. When he felt hopeless... frustrated. He still did his job, and it was an important one, but it was frustrating because of Patton. The person who was trying to help. 

"Oh please, why do you care? You fucking shouldn't! You're half the reason I... ugh! Patton, why do you care?! About everything? You're an idiot and I-I-" 

He started to break when he saw Patton's eyes widen with regret and sadness, his own heart twisting. Him looking like that made him feel even worse than he had before. 

"I'm sorry, please, don't cry I'm sorry I'm just... I've been using you as a scapegoat." 

Patton's expression softened, walking closer to him and putting his hands together. 

"But I do have something to do with it, don't I?" 

Deceit nodded. 

"Yes, I can't deny that. But... looking at you right now... I can't put all the blame on you. You're the problem... you're also the solution. But I'm the problem too. We can't ever compromise! You never see things how I want to see them and it frustrates me! And I do the same to you and I'm a hypocrite for it. It makes me feel like an idiot who can't even do his job right..." 

Patton nodded, feeling a little bit like a douche. He felt the same way, but he supposed the difference was because they never agreed on anything, it was always one thing or the other when it came to making decisions. Patton's won out seventy percent of the time. 

"You're not an idiot, first of all. Don't say that! Deceit... we just need to work together more often. We... we need to spend time together!" 

Patton suddenly smiled bright and cheerfully, clapping his hands together once. Deceit stared at him in awe and confusion, frowning. 

"Eh? Excuse me?" 

"We need to spend time together, and we need to become friends! We'll never know how to compromise until we get to know each other, will we?" 

Deceit thought about it, nodding hesitantly. 

"I... suppose so. How do you want to... hang out? I really don't think-" 

Patton made a motion with his hands to cut him off, Deceit obliging to let him speak. His voice sounded sweet to his tired ears, so he wasn't really too opposed to letting him carry most of the conversation. 

"We can do anything you want to do. But first... you look like you haven't slept since the last time I saw you. You sound like it too. Why don't you get some rest kiddo? Then we can spend quality time together." 

"Why don't we do both?" 

Patton looked confused. 

"Why don't... we take a nap together? Uh..." Deceit squeezed his eyes closed, embarrassed, quickly trying to take it back. 

But Patton nodded, giving him a warm smile. 

"Sure, kiddo. All you had to do was ask." 

Deceit nodded shyly, leading Patton up to his bedroom. He was already in silk clothes he would be able to sleep in. Patton wasn't, but he didn't make any complaints about it. Deceit just laid in bed and Patton sat beside him, quickly, the snake's arms were wrapped around his waist. 

Patton giggled, shimmying down and wrapping his arms around him. 

Deceit slept very well for the next few hours, comforted by the others presence.


	5. Oh God Oh Fuck Feelings Are Forming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, this seems to be going well for Deceit right? Too bad That terrifies the living fuck out of him. He could barley keep a friendship with a safety pin, much less a person who actually cared about him. This is all just very confusing...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY THIS IS SO LATE FUCK

This was all going well. It had been a couple days, and Patton had been... extra nice towards him. 

Patton had let him win a few arguments, been lenient towards him when it came to his behaviors, overall just treating him like he was scared he'd duck out again. It felt a little demeaning, but at the same time, Deceit appreciated the extra care Patton gave to try and help him feel good. But... something else was there too. More feelings he could sense but couldn't understand. Patton was always physically affectionate towards the others but there was something he felt that was special when he hugged him while they spoke about their differences, or when Patton would change the subject into something menial they could discuss. 

Deceit felt something too, something that made him wonder if maybe what he felt from Patton was fabricated in his mind to try and feign reciprocation for something he didn't want to think about outright. Though he wasn't an idiot. He knew what romantic attraction was. But he also knew that developing 'crushes' only after a few days on anyone and everyone who was just nice to you and showed you basic kindness was a side effect of just being alone and touch starved. And touch starved but in an emotional context. He didn't know if there was a word for that. Logan probably knew though, his vocabulary was big and he was in the same boat. Probably not as much though since he'd started dating Virgil. 

Deceit just felt... scared, mostly. Of what would happen if he let this control him. He didn't want to be vulnerable. But he also knew he had to keep making progress with Patton. It was all... very conflicting. He didn't want to deal with it. His mind jumped back to the other day when he was thinking about just ducking out, not making Thomas his problem anymore, or himself anyone else's problem. Too many issues, too many conflicting thoughts, and too many doubts in himself. 

Deceit knew that Patton couldn't really love him. No matter the signs. The guy was a dumbass anyway, he treated everybody like he dated them, right? He cuddled and coddled everybody, made everyone cookies when they were sad. Deceit had to get it out of his head that he wasn't special anymore. He was more special to Patton when he was being an asshole to him, wasn't he? 

God no... he was thinking of too many things at once. It was all sloppy, like trying to get too many points across about someone in one sentence. You couldn't understand them, and even if you did, it didn't feel real. Deceit didn't feel real. He felt like he had only one problem and it was connected at one source but there were so many things that effected that problem. So many feelings. Feelings that were sloppy and hard to get across to himself, or anyone else. When he was thinking about it all, it all seemed so simple and stupid. When he was worrying about it or trying to understand it, suddenly everything was tangled. 

He didn't like all these feelings. He didn't like all the conflictions and different thoughts going through his mind at once. So he needed to get rid of the source of them. Or get away from it. And the source was him and Patton. 

\---

Patton came into the room after a while of Deceit not being out, smiling with an apron on. He'd just made dinner. 

"Hey King Dedede! You ready for supper? I made something I think you'd like! Uh... Deceit..?"

Deceit looked at him, and shook his head. 

"Patton, get out of my room, this isn't working out. Don't come back."

Patton blinked, one thought stumbling over the other in his head in confusion and upset. 

"Excuse me? What isn't working out, us getting to know each other?"

"Yes. I don't think we should be... friends. It's hard on me. I don't like it." 

Patton certainly didn't have the reaction he was expecting. Instead of being sad or angry, he just folded his arms in concern. 

"Deceit Sanders, what's wrong? I'm not... I'm not just going to leave you. We're going to talk about it." 

"But I just-"

"No! I'm not throwing away our progress, Deceit! I really like y... I really... I really like hanging out with you. Please. If it's something I did, just tell me, will you?"

Deceit stared at him, and then looked away. He shook his head. 

"It's nothing you did. I just... it's hard to explain I'm not.... used to... this." 

Patton nodded, leaning against the doorframe. 

"Well... expanding out towards new people is always going to be scary! Especially when those two people have had conflict in the past. But you can't and you shouldn't run away from them. Or anything. Because they really care about you, Deceit. And they're going to help you get through this. Even if it's tough and awful and a little bit icky. It'll be.. worth it. I'm not going anywhere. No more of either of us running away from each other, got it? You're a really cool guy, and rivalry is overrated." 

Deceit sighed, putting his face in his hands. 

"I thought you would make this easy."

Patton giggled, and moved to sit on his bed, putting a hand on his knee. 

"Nothing's ever going to be easy with me." 

Deceit sighed, trying not to smile. 

"Usually I don't like challenges. But... I suppose I'll make an exception."


End file.
